
S-O-S from USSF Space Cadet #509
by: Paul Ivey
uploaded: 02/08/2021
notes:
okay here we go again
s-o-s
s-o-s
and
once again
yes-o-s
come on in
come on back
once again
this is u-s-s-f
space-cadet
first-class
five-oh-nine
from the other side of the sun
requesting that you
come on in
because
you know
mayday
mayday
mayday
even though
with a very-high degree of certainty
the laws of physics dictate
that there ain't no way
you're getting this message
past that really big
large
fiery ball
right there
mayday
mayday
come on in
come on in
s-o-s
this is space-cadet five-oh-nine
mayday
mayday
mayday
and
i'm just trying to
you know
talk to somebody
one-eight-hundred tech-support
come on back
come on back
i have
almost certainly made
an incredibly
astronomically
large
mistake
i mean
yep
it's a big'un
(when they say large
i mean
he sits
AROUND
this space capsule)
it was this joystick right here
this-this one
right here
just above the engraved word
that reads
STEER
i mean i've been staring
at that thing for
you know
the better part of three years
and
yet
i guess
i didn't quite
compensate
on day
i don't...
six-thirty-eight
did not compensate
for the ever-increasing rate
of my
slowly-but-ever-increasing
uhh
sedentary
space-weight
so
i'm just letting you know
when i twisted
my luscious
plumpy
three-year-old space body
just like this
to try and
just
try to
pop the top
on last-thursday's
daily-ration-beer
well
it seems
i guess
that i might have
ever-so-slightly nudged
this stick right here
i mean
i think it was probably my
i can't be sure
but i think it was
my long-haul
space-cadet
posterior
and so
i guess
i may have
and i'm not-entirely sure
but
mostly
i'm certain
that i may have
sent myself hurtling
towards a rather vast
and expansive
dark and foreboding
you know
universal fear
but dotted with shiny stars
and i guess
the
the gravity
of the situation
(ha-ha
is this thing on
come back
please)
is truly profound
and weighty
(ha-ha
another joke
and
tip your waitresses
but i'm totally sincere)
s-o-s
mayday
mayday
mayday
something
something
something something
come on
something
u-s-s-f space-cadet first-class five-oh-nine
and
of course
and
indeed
in return
from the other side of the sun
NOTHING
again
ha-ha-ha
you know
the bob-bobble-headed jesus here keeps
he keeps nodding a very confident certainty
about how i've probably calculated correctly
that i'm now way beyond
the three degrees necessary
to turn me
thus
i guess
RE-turn me
towards an existential crisis
that might be
a little more earthy
and and i am very
(i mean
trust me)
i am very
very
sorry
it was
it was so
very very
stupid of me
but i mean
i-i get it
but accidentally
(please please believe me)
accidentally
a total catastrophe
an unexpected bum-bump
but
you know
which now means
that I probably
never again
will ever be
engaging
with all
that lovely
beautiful
empathy
and generosity
and over-flowing creativity
and loving-kindness
from
all my
third-rock-bound
kindred humanity
no
but in my defense
okay
(i mean
whatever
who's listening)
in my defense
what did you expect
drafting me
at the age of fifty-three
from out of my lovely
little
degenerate
desert
r-v
before
(phhbbbt)
shooting my
soon-to-be
slowly-plumping traitorous rump
out towards
infinity
i mean
sure
the training
but
no one mentioned
i mean
literally
ever mentioned
this literal
existential threat:
space-capsule-bound
ice-cream
bad-feels
desperation-eating
not in the manual
in the manual:
my job:
watch the blinky-blinky
eat
watch blinky
sing badly-remembered jingles
in time
to blinky-blinky
THEN
apparently
in-between
blinky button-pressing
total
fat-butt calamity
from a single
zero-g
beer-need
nope
not one peep
of what my own bum
might do the rest of me
now it seems
i'm drifting
with a
well
truly ferocious alacrity
out towards a bend
just there around alpha-centauri
and on then
apparently
towards m-eighty-three
and yes
yes
i know what you're thinking
but i'm just gonna hope
that this is simply
a strange, cosmic serendipity
that i might just then
if i'm lucky
bump right on into
space-cadets
five and thirteen
yeah
as strange as that seems
our notorious buddies
neil and j-p
and the others
i get it
one stole a rocket-eighty-eight
and the other went a-wol
piloting a dodge-swinger seventy-three
so
yes
yes
naughty-naughty
outlaw-criminal-thing
but
hear me out now
there's a silver-lining
for-for-for me personally
because that means
i just
might be able to
uhh
in my current-current
tumbling
predicament
you know
with the luckiest of
TOTALLY RANDOM
(i swear)
trajectories
i just might find myself
somehow
you know
like
trading
a little left-over space-grass
and drag-racing
around the outer edge
of quadrant x-r-v
before
of course
starting
a totally
bitching
legendary
i don't know
outlaw-inter-stellar-madness band
you know
to rock
disaffected alien-teens
or something
which brings me
i guess
to
what i should have
started with
umm
it is with
a very heavy heart
and-and a sincerely grave reverence
that i-i must report
that on day
uh
five-seventeen
just as i was beginning
to get pulled
around senor sol
i-i happened upon
a spinning capsule
yeah
uh
indeed
it-it is what you are thinking
it is my unfortunate duty
to report that a space-cadet
just like me
(i mean
we promoted him to major
apparently
without him
you know
ever knowing)
umm
yeah
indeed
he-he is dead
major tom is dead
confirmed
but
i mean
what did you expect really
just like me
i mean we-we were
drafting a degenerate
into a failed military
extra-atmospheric
experiment
yeah
we all knew all
we knew all along
the he was
always a junky
i'm sorry
alas
poor space-cadet
no more
and-and the rest is silence
i-i guess
uh
this is
united-states
space-force
space-cadet
first-class
number five-oh-nine
signing off
for the final time
goodbye
goodbye
(hey, tom
umm
i mean
that's done
why don't you
why don't you
pop the top on a beer
and let's hit these buttons...)
Tagses: (we can link these up later)
Link to the mp3 file:
S-O-S from USSF Space Cadet #509
Link to this view of the song:
http://songs.netscrap.com/songs/?scrap_id=5417&scrap_category=45